Little Dreams

"I dreamed of chocolate sharks,"
My lovely said to me.
"They swam across a milkriver
and into a chocolate sea."
Where would the little fishy go?
I asked her thoughtfully.
"Why, through the ocean
And into my mouth,"
She answered happily.
~,~,~,~,~,~,~,~,~,~,~,~,~,~,~,~,~

Confessions of a Chemistry Goddess

Damn I'm cocky, aren't I?
Well, I just wanted to share.
I just finished my Chemistry exam this morning. And the verdict? It was easy and I felt like I kicked ass but am not entirely sure if I passed or not. Haha. I just felt like I knew the answers but there is that nagging doubt that I may flunk.
But seriously, the whole experience made me question my ability to recall. Made me question whether or not my constant-cramming skills make me actually retain something. Made me question whether or not my memory is sharp or selective. Ahahaha. I'm beginning to think it's selective.
I've taken Chemistry twice. In my whole college life. This exam should've been a walk in the park for me. But some questions still stumped me. Like who the friggin' hell is Henry Cavendish? And what the friggin hell is a p-type conductor??
See, students nowadays have the tendency to cram and clutter their brains for short periods of time and then after the clutter is released (i.e. after the exam, the point when you feel light-headed and dazed because your brain feels like it just emptied itself), the said students forget about what they learned completely. Which is, when you think about it, not really a nice way to learn things.
The reasons for the said cramming are basically three things: irresponsibility, hectic schedules, and free concerts.
Free concerts. Pretty self-explanatory, but a bit of irresponsibility is involved here because if you're aiming at a high grade for the exam the next day and you still go to the once-in-a-lifetime, never-experienced-before, rockin-slammin concert; then your priorities are out of whack.
Hectic schedules. Ahahaha. Or the misuse of free time. Which is also a consequence of irresponsibility. UP generally gives its students large amounts of time to do things and presumably to study. But the idea of sleeping and bumming around is more lucrative than the idea of conscientious study. So there. Sometimes, though, it's really a conflict of schedule. Like deadlines on top of deadlines on top of deadlines on top of more deadlines and so little time to finish it all. And desperate times call for desperate measures. Id est: cramming your ass off.
And finally, the root of all evil: Irresponsibility. There are many illustrations of irresponsibility. Take me as a case in point. I am irresponsible when I sit in class and sleep. I am irresponsible when I update my blog and chat even when I have an ultra-important task at hand. I am irresponsible when I float in and out of consciousness during lectures. Like, when my prof speaks "... and the molecular formula for benzene would be as such..." *sight becomes out of focus... drool... snore* *wake up long enough to hear* "Remember dees dizziz very impotent class..." *slip into a coma* *recover from coma.* *see empty classroom* *jolt upright and ask* "Hey, where'd everybody go?!"
In the end, it all boils down to the effort you put into study. And how frequently you cram.
I think I bought a book called, "Tips for Students: How to Get a High Grade." And as always, the key tool would be time management. But in a rapid paced world, it's kinda hard to compartmentalize your tasks into milliseconds.
*Sigh* Well, I'm off to a much deserved sleeping-spree.
Haha, maybe I'll dream of chemical reactions and molecular formulas. The geek becomes I.

brokenheart 

Slipknot cometh

Watched "The Terminal" starring Tom Hanks today... light comedy... cool... I cannot help but mimic the Russian accent he put down so well.. anyfay, I hwrite kblogk, yes?
Concert isk in Nofember.
Slipknot.
You know who Slipknot isk?
No? I gif clue.
Rock band sing in hstage.
People ink da bottom puttink hands in dee air wafing like uh maniacs.
And dee beer and alcoholk goinghk around like a bik fountain of Budveiser ya?
And den dee Sulipknot go on hstage and dey play dee noisy rock music.
And den affter dee concert people look like red faces vomiting allk ofer place.
Like Vladimir Putin affter he hear off Chechen rebels stormingk school.
An den dey leaf dee place and go home an den tell friends about hconcert next day.
Me no can go...
No money fork tickets.
Maybe someone nice hgive tickets.
Or ask me to go.
Ya?

I Am No Guru...

but honestly, i know when it's wrong...
To explain my point on the 'it.' The other day I was trying to have some quiet time in my classroom (German 10 prof didn't show) and suddenly I get a call from Archie. (a.k.a. darling darling ex) And he puts down the phone before I even get to answer. Ha! Yeah I understand, he's saving on load. Whatever. And here we get into one of the most annoying, most aaaargh! conversations I've ever had in my life. Oh, and watch out for the subtext cos that's where the good stuff is.

Archie: Archie po... Galing m0 ha knklimutn m0 n ko... San k ngyn?
Tin: Ahaha, heLL0 archie. *smile* msta? Sa skuL, kaw?
Archie: D2 skul... S.L.U
Tin: 0k. *smile*
Archie: D2 skul... S.L.u n ko ngyn... Ok lng ako... Cnu bf m0 ngyn?
Freeze! Okay, revel at his topic-changing speed. First rub it in that yes, "Tin, I'm in the lovely and prestigious Saint Louis University now... you know? The school I didn't get into when I flunked the easiest entrance exam in the whole wide world because I was seriously lacking in brain cells? The school the took me in only becauseof my basketball prowess?" Blah-di-blah. Story of his life. Advice to guys out there, if you could? Be more smooth than this guy.
Tin: Yeah i heard. U playn 4 them na db? Er. . WaLa na p0 akng bf ngyn.
Archie: Bkit dti mer0n b?
Freeze! What was he expecting? That I was just gonna sit and wait, single lonely and unattached for two friggin years? Ahahaha, okay not that I practically live for relationships but hey, gettin' some! Juz cos he aint scorin much doesn't mean I should automatically be doing the same.
Tin: Uh Yeah. He's aLs0 fr0m sLu.
Archie: Cnu nmn dw? Kila2 ko b?
Like you care.
Tin: Um, n0 i d0nt thnk s0. Pinsan ni jan ray paLaganas.
Archie: Wow... Nging kau pala..*smile* ako ngay d m0 b ko puwd blikan? Tgal ko n hinihngin n kng puwd mging tau ulit eh...

Seriously I'd prefer it if we end the conversation there. It aint pretty. Needless to say we so obviously didn't get back together (never in a million bagillion centimillion trillion zafiligillion years will I ever get back together with this guy). And the question would be: Is he really hangin on to me all these years or has he just sunken to the fiery bowels of desperation that getting back together with his first girlfiend would be the last resort to end all singlehood on his part? I'm beginning to think it's the latter. See, when you think about it, how low he must think of me. He texts out of the blue without preliminaries, not that he was everbig on preliminaries and not that he knows what that word means... and practically goes, "Tin, uy, wala akong girlfriend ngayon eh, tayo na." Sheeeeeeeesh! I should have given him a rougher ending than I did. Applying the let-him-down-gently thing. Huh.
Exes are exes for a reason. They've been put under scrutiny and have been found lacking. Hence the fact they aren't with you now. Although some exes behave better than others, some are out to bother you. Of course this doesn't apply to all. Maybe it applies to just one tiny insignificant unwanted part of the population. Namely Archie.

Skipped the Wallowing Stage and Straight into the Preoccupation

Self-servicing advice, as dubbed by Agatha.
'Kay. So The facts are:
1) I am single and that's not so bad.
2) I broke up with Rodel [I hereby dub thee my darling rocker ex as Archie is my darling darling ex, so shalt you be my darling rocker ex.] because I seriously wanted to not because I did it out of pity. He had it coming, I swear. If he could've just ignored me for the rest of the millennium without once trying to confront me with "The Talk", I think he would have done exactly that. But I beat him to it. Less torture. Akin to slow death. Spared us both. Am practically a hero.
3) I am/was (alternately) sad. Pondering deeply. Re-living the moments in my head pinpointing where we went wrong. It boils down to two things: LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS DON'T WORK EVER or LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS DON'T WORK EVER.
4) My craving for alcohol, a good party, and a good pack of cigs is a repercussion of said break-up. Controlled the urges. Endorphin dependency. Not that I was high on endorphins back in the relationship. I was sort of... in-between endorphins. Average enorphin production. What is an endorphin anyway?
5) This is how I feel I acknowledge all my fears of being alone for the rest of my life, of regretting this decision, or of never seeing him again. And I'm putting it all into a ball and letting it go. I bet I'll run into him like I always do with my darling darling ex. But it won't be awkward. I have a tendency to spring up in front of said exes and wave so enthusiastically that my arm could just pop off. And they wave back. Only less enthusiastically. Like, "Hey chapter of my life that has passed, how are ya?" And I go, *smiling ever so widely* "I'm okay, part of my life that I so don't want to re-live but am civil enough to be friends with, How bout you?"

How Long exactly did it take for me to get to this stage of non-self-loathing, crying, hitting inanimate objects while pretending it's the face of ex, bawling, bitching, rain-dancing, going crazy, getting depressed, consulting a shrink, calling-girlfriends for a pity-fest slash party, going-through-the-day-as-mindless-zombie? Less than two days.

Thank you God for preoccupation.
1) SCHOOL, of course. My future. My subjects. Scoring a grade that would be ever-so-brilliant that parents would be forced to buy me a new cellphone, a car, and an iPod. Or maybe just survive the schoolyear so all those sleepless nights toiling over reaction papers, meetings, reports, and professor-related-problems would amount to something.
2) ORG. Has eaten up my time like a big giant leech out for blood. Was chosen as a dancer, why exactly, I hecking don't know. The springy stepped, the back-breaking, hip-twisting, head-spinning dance has henceforth provided me with an opportunity to feel sore all over like a bulldozer had hit me head-on. Physical pain, of course, overshadows any emotional pain I may have// had. So there.
3) A HEMATOMA THAT WON'T GO AWAY. See I have this big huge gargantuan patch of bright purple with black background on my right arm. Everyone asks about it and assumes I'm into domestically violent relationships. Ahahaha. Right. Reason for the hematoma: I am anemic, I am prone to said hematoma, and stupid fucking intern just had to put the needle in the wrong way. Even splattered my own blood on my shirt. Sheesh. I condemn you, Red Cross. Have taken to staring at the hematoma, poking it, and staring deep into my own pores just to pass the time. Amazingly, it's mildly entertaining.

So There. I've survived a break-up that didn't actually feel like a break-up and a relationship that didn't actually feel like a relationship in the first place. Cheers to me and my newfound er... self? That is past melancholy and is now physically abused, deformed, and discolored in the forearm region but still ever so happy. Ahahaha. Vodka Tequila Gin... One Tequila Two Tequila Three Tequila Floor....

The Break-up Diaries

Apparently, break-ups do hurt even if you asked for it. Ahahaha. I am forlorn and I'm not supposed to feel this bad. I broke up with boyfriend last night and there wasn't much of a fuss. Completely diplomatic, it was. Like we were discussing the weather instead of our future without each other. It was mostly a relief on my part cos the past few weeks have been torture. Knowing he wants out and he didn't have the guts to say it. So I figured I should beat him to it before he ends up loathing me as an absentee girlfriend. There. Now I have an ex. I am now single. Ledig.
I woke up this morning, freakishly early which is a rare event for me. Usually I wake up at around noon.... and there were German words swimming in my head like "Tut mir leid" and "Wer ist am Apparat?" They're all so menial but they made me so sad. And then there was a gnawing pain in my chest like a friggin blunt end of an extremely thick broom was pushed to it. Aaah. And I had to force breakfast down my throat. I look at food and I cringe. The beginnings of chronic depression? Anorexia? (gasp!) I can read minds??! This isn't normal behavior. And obviously something's out of whack. And obviously it's because of the break-up. And obviously I'm losing it. The bad thing is I can't cry. All I have is the blunt pain in the chest. Nothing more. It's cliche and overly maudlin (yes everyone go puke I don't care) but I ache. Sheesh. I'm not supposed to be feeling this bad. I never expected to.